There are babies, and then there are high needs babies.
If you have a high needs baby, it starts to feel like you are doing something wrong. My baby won’t let me put her down. She cries all the time. What do you do if you have a high needs baby?
My youngest is now 3-years-old, and she was by far my most needy baby. Now that we are this far in, I wanted to give an update. If you are a mom of a high needs baby, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Babies are cute and cuddly, and their smile and coo and melts your heart. They also cry, poop, and get gas. And then some babies are cling-ons, velcro babies, koala bears. You name it. The point is they won’t let go of you. When you put them down to go to the bathroom they arch their back and start screaming because how dare you walk away. Trying to work from home and homeschool your kids with a high needs baby is not an easy task.
Does this sound familiar? Even a little bit?
We all want to be adored and be seen as number 1 in the eyes of our fans. To have someone watch our every move and cry when we walk out of the room. We want to be the one that gets the biggest smile. We live in a culture where people seek it all the time. Just look at social media. But all this changes when your number 1 fan is your baby.
Being a mom to a high needs baby is incredibly overwhelming. You feel like it will never change. And you aren’t quite sure if you have what it takes. Mom, you can do it.
The Many Shapes of a High Needs Baby
Babies come in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments. After 6 kids, I’ve seen how true this is. None of my kids have similar personalities. None of them. I guess they didn’t get the memo that it would be really helpful if they could be the same. They may have some similarities but for the most part they are all very different.
I’ve had easy babies that were content to sit in one spot on the floor and play with the toys around them. Then there are the babies that stand at the baby gate to cry and fuss while making dinner. High energy babies that wake up at the crack of dawn ready to play. Then there is the high needs baby. This is the baby that is more demanding, often fussy, and more difficult than the others.
Out of 6 kids I would say that I had 2 high needs babies and 1 very high needs toddler. And they were all equally different in their level of high needs.
When you have a high needs baby it can feel like you are doing something wrong. You try to soothe the crying, but nothing seems to work. You search the internet at 3am looking for any answer. Even if it is just a glimmer of hope. You should always consult a doctor to rule out anything physical. In my experience, with my high needs babies, they just needed to grow.
Frustrated High Needs Baby
I had my first high needs baby while I was still working in an office, so we had a whole daycare staff to help us. And somedays he defeated all of them too. He was a screamer and was constantly fussing for me. Didn’t sleep very well and was difficult. And we asked every veteran parent for advice.
Even though he was in daycare during the day, we were still pulling our hair out. But we did get an answer. One of the parents said, “It sounds like he is frustrated. That his brain is developing faster than his body, and he is frustrated.”
My fellow moms, that was the answer. So we started teaching him baby sign very young, and once he started moving the fussiness subsided. To be honest he didn’t fully grow out of this until he was about 5. But things progressively got better as he learned better communication skills. Now he is one of the most chilled kids you will meet.
Those were some very tough years. We didn’t get an answer until he was about 9 months old. Then we weren’t sure if frustration was correct, but we started testing it. Once we saw how much better he did when he could communicate and move. We knew that frustration was the reason for the constant crying. Although we had an answer and a game plan, it still took all these years for him to grow out of it.
High Needs Toddler
I had just been laid off and was home with my 18-month toddler and kindergartener at the time (she did go to school but only half day). In the midst of trying to get my virtual assistant business off the ground and still applying for other jobs, I had this rambunctious and highly emotional toddler. He was into everything, more than any of his siblings before him.
A high needs toddler is much different than a high needs baby because he can move, run around, and be sneaky. He was no longer in his crib because he kept climbing out of it, so he had free reign in his room during naptime. Yes, he was the one that was walking around the house at midnight one night because he got out of his bed. When I say into everything, it is not an exaggeration.
He was also frustrated because of speech delay. So he was extremely high energy (he still is), and he struggled to communicate. This was a combination made for frustration. He was beyond frustrated with not being understood when he talked. Honestly, we were all frustrated too because we couldn’t understand him. This led to a lot of emotional outbursts.
Honestly, these took a while to work through. There were a few things that I did. First, I started using Peace and Calming on him every morning. This is an essential oil from Young Living, the improvement was amazing. I was desperate, so anything that promised some peace I was willing to try. The emotional outbursts didn’t disappear, but he was able to start controlling them better.
Second, if he was going to pitch a fit, it had to be in his room. It is amazing how quickly kids calm down when there is no longer an audience.
Third, we started with speech therapy. This came around 3-years-old because we couldn’t afford it before then (remember I was laid off). When he was two I tried to get him speech therapy through the school district, but he spoke too well. But we can talk about how the school system fails struggling kids another time.
He is definitely not a chilled kid. There is way too much energy in him for that. I am amazed at how well he carries himself.
Struggling High Needs Baby
My last baby was also a high needs baby, but very different than the first. This time I was working from home, homeschooling 3 kids (1 was going to Kindergarten), and a toddler hanging around too. Baby girl was born with a very tight tongue and lip tie. This prevented her from getting the milk while she nursed, so I had to triple feed her.
Since she struggled to eat right at first, we spent a lot of one-on-one time together. Solely focused with getting baby a full belly. This required a lot of time together. The result being that she was a cling-on baby. She really, really, really only wanted mommy. And for a long time the only way to get her to sleep was if someone held her. I kept her wrapped on me or as she got bigger strapped to me with the Ergo (this is my favorite baby carrier).
This was such a stressful time. I am trying to get her nursing full-time (it took 3 months). My only thought was it is never going to happen. I am going to be spending all my time feeding her. Each feeding took an hour or more. I put my work emails on my Kindle, so I could still keep up with everything while I fed her.
Thankfully, the older kids were always available to hold her. Eventually, she was ok with her brothers or sister holding her. But it took a while to get there. The baby stage always feels like that days are so long. You can’t imagine how you will get through it. Then looking back, you realize how short the time really was.
Three years later, she is probably the easiest toddler that I’ve had. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once she learned to walk, she could get to me any time, she was happy. At the moment, her big sister is the favorite.
She didn’t stay high needs. Although it felt like we would never get beyond this stage. We eventually did.
The Emotional Toll of a High Needs Baby
If you have a high needs baby then you know that it takes a physical and emotional toll on you. If you are the only one that baby is interested in, then you are exhausted all the time. You love your baby, there is no question about that, but it is still really hard.
Mom it is ok to need a break from your baby (if you can get it). It is ok to ask for help. Don’t let the constant demands of your baby rob you of the joy of this time. I do understand if it does, so no mom guilt. You have enough on your plate.
I know this is not easy because it feels like baby is just sucking all your energy and demanding all your attention. Just remind yourself that this time will pass. It won’t be like this forever. Enjoy the snuggles and cuddles while you can.
Conclusion: High Needs Baby
Mom, high needs babies can come in all shapes and sizes. It takes a lot out of you, and it can feel like an impossible task. Take it one day at a time. Don’t try to look into the future. It will just be overwhelming, and it probably won’t be true. Focus on today.
If you are working from home with a high needs baby, then you don’t want to miss part 2. It is all of my tips and tricks to working from home with a high needs baby.
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